Birdies 1 - Haynes 0

Yesterday evening I parked under one of the trees next to my driveway.

This morning, I discovered that my car was fair covered in bird poo.

Politely, I asked the birds if they would mind awfully much not shitting on my car in the future.

They told me to stop parking underneath their toilet.

Made up hashtag because I really haven't worked out how the Twitter lark (teehee) goes: #birdsarecheekylittlesodsanddontgetmestartedonthesquirrels.

Dream the Happier Dream

America is known as the land of dreams and Super Tuesday is definitely all about people's dreams (and their nightmares), their hopes and their fears, their wins and their losses.

So, in honor of your dreams,  here's a metaphysical poem on the subject -

Dream the Happier Dream.

I woke up this morning to find I was living in a dream.

It was a dream I had created with my mind.


It was a dream great and vast.

Yet it was detailed and prosaic.

I had made it up myself.

It was my very own mosaic.


I sent thought out after thought.

I dreamt of passion and power.

At first I was the seed, but I then became the flower.

I was both the baby and the midwife in my own enactment of creation.

I even dreamed that I woke up and gave myself a kind ovation.


If your mosaic is prosaic 

Be the power of the flower.

Let your creation be an ovation.

As you dream the happier dream.


Dream the happier dream.

Dream the happier dream.

Jenny Haynes fearlessly tackles some stereotypes about the British

Good day to you all. Or as we say in Virginia: "What you know good?"

I have no idea why Virginians say that - it appears to be some sort of interrogative greeting but it's hard to tell when there are essential words clearly missing. Any road up, good day to you all and moving on.

Today I am addressing two long standing American stereotypes about the United Kingdom, namely British teeth and British beer.

This rhyme expresses them neatly:

The British are coming

The British are here

They've got bad teeth

And they drink warm beer.

Er, no. No to the teeth and a 'this is by no means the whole truth' for British beer.

Teeth:   A comprehensive study of and comparison between British and American teeth was published in the respected British Medical Journal in December 2015. It demonstrated that Americans have more missing teeth and worse oral health if they are poor. 

Read the full story about teeth here

Beer:   British beer is served at room temperature. I invite you to bear in mind that rooms in Britain are colder than rooms in Her Britannic Majesty's former colonies of the Americas. Because the weather is completely shit. That stereotype has to be allowed to stand.

However, and in addition, it is a horrible but true fact that cold beer is also served in the UK, alongside the room temperature beer. Refrigerated beer is a disgusting European initiative but it is allowed.

My name is Jenny Haynes and in my role as British cultural ambassador to the USA, I approved this message.

You're welcome.